It feels like almost yesterday when I made a life update, talking about things happening that are impacting my blog. And now I’ve kind of crawled out of the woodwork to bring another life update. So hello, salutations, I’m here to tell you, once again, the things happening and why it seems like my content has… staggered? become long-winded? kind of…stopped? Well, we have some things to talk about. So I hope you can bear with me as I try to talk about these sensitive topics happening in my life.
Just a content/trigger warning in advance, I’ll be talking about the pandemic, injured/ill loved ones, and loss of a loved one to suicide in this post.
So let’s start with the most obvious thing. I disappeared for a very long time. Almost two months? Three? I’ve lost count. Of course I’ve still posted reviews, but to me and I’m sure to all of you, my content seemed to be staggering. I always want to be clear about my intentions when I talk about things and I always want to be as honest, and as transparent as I can be with all of you. So this is me opening up the wounds and showing the things I’ve tried to keep behind closed doors, behind barb fencing, and tucked away so no one could see. I’ve mentioned a few times, but I never went into great details of what was happening. So let’s address what was really happening to me in 2020.
2020 impacted all of us in various ways. Some of those things were good, but for many, they were bad.
For myself, it came swift and torturous of those twelve months. I’ve lost friendships, seen friends being attacked for good intentions, I’ve felt isolated in a community I originally felt safe and loved in, I had someone breach past all my boundaries, I’ve been harassed and attacked by strangers for giving my honest opinion about the things I’ve read, and even had someone go as far as sending me threats on my social media platforms. And these are just the things that have happened to me within the book community.
All of those things combined, I took a break and even went to the extent of putting my social media on lockdown, deleting my Twitter, and plethora of other things to ensure my safety and security.
When everything started in 2020, I had family members, who have jobs in the medical field, get deployed to the front lines of everything happening. So, while I tried pouring my time and energy into all the content I was pouring out on my blog and other social media, in the back of my mind I had a lot of worry and dread seeping in. In the end, I was stretching myself so thin so I wouldn’t feel the claws of anxiety and fear. Which really took a toll on my physical health.
Then the fall of 2020 came and with that, it was like a bottle of whiskey being smash open over a glowing fire. The worst possible news ended up reaching me. A few of my elderly family members had ended up in the hospital due to severe medical hardships. It came down to crossing all my fingers and toes hoping they would pull through and make it through the holidays.
Then in November I received a call from my childhood best friend and if I’m being honest, it felt like a piece of me shattered when I got that phone call. He called to tell me that his older brother was in a coma and had been hospitalized. My friend and his family are like a second home to me. They have always been such wonderful, loving people and have done so much for me that I can’t even begin to explain because the list is so long. Since receiving that phone call, he hasn’t woken up and the news I get has been dwindling. And being honest, I’m terrified for the next piece of news I hear.
Flashing forward to 2021, it feels like I’ve been facing off with the devil and the grim reaper for months now. Honestly, I was really hopeful that 2021 was going to start off on a positive note. Boy, did my system ever get a shock. It’s literally a sequel and I’m still fighting the devil and grim reaper.
When the first week of January hit, despite everything, thing were pretty peaceful until the following week. The following week I received a call that one of my old friends had committed suicide. They were one of those people who always seemed happy or always tried to make the whole room light up, but their pain was that ‘quiet thunder’ kind. Getting that phone call hit like a ton of bricks and I haven’t really talked about it with anyone. In a way, this has become my ‘quiet thunder’. So I’ve been processing through the weight and grief of that loss.
And of more recently, I found out that one of my family members who works in the medical field had a breach of their suit and now has covid, and they’re not doing so good. Actually, it’s been really hard and it’s been a lot of waves of emotions, a lot to process. Actually, it’s been a really hard time processing everything. I’m really hoping they can pull through because they mean a lot to me and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.
So you’re probably asking a lot of questions right now, like… what does this mean for my blog? what about the content I put out? am I leaving the book community? am I turning into a ghost? First, I’m not going anywhere and neither is the book content I’m putting out.
Taking everything that has happened into consideration, I’m just taking a step back from the amount of content I was creating and how often I’m posting. Saying I’m long-winded at this point would be a giant understatement. Right now, I need to rest and do things that make me happy. And yes, reading does make me happy, but I’m also a critical reader and I do really extensive reviews on the books I read. Over time, that can wear a person’s mental state down and right now, I’m rolling critical fails on my sanity checks.
So have I really become a ghost? The short answer, yes. I’ve very much so a ghost right now. In fact, if you listen closely… You hear that little whisping in the air? That’s the sound of my soul escaping my body right now.
It pains me to say this (I mean, it really pains me to say this), but expect maybe one or two posts a week. I’m giving myself the slack that I need right now. And I don’t regret because I need to put myself first right now. I’m hoping one day I can get back to doing 4-5 posts a week, but right now, that’s just not in the cards.
I know this was a super long post and I know it was a lot of heavy topics, but for those who stuck through it till the end… Thank you so, so much. Truly, thank you so much for sticking by me, for loving me, for loving the content I create. It means the world to me and I’m so grateful to have you here. Thank you! 💙